Pat Farris is back in action.

Last night I got a call from my best friend from high school, Pat Farris (a.k.a. Pat The Scat, a.k.a. C. Heidi Farris). If you don’t know Pat, you’re really missing out. He’s the originator of “grandma, how come the poo tastes so good?” and a long time promoter of saying “dildo-cock” and calling people “grandma-fuckers”.

In the nine years since high school, Pat has lived in New Orleans (he fled under circumstances never revealed, leaving a 1987 Toyota Previa van in a parking lot), Chicago (he fled in the middle of the night, leaving almost all of his possessions), back to OKC (he slept on a couch in my brother’s bedroom for about six months while he was “tutoring” Daniel, I think they were fucking, but I could be wrong [ed.’s note: HA!]), and then Manhattan. He’s been in NYC for about three years and he seems really happy. He’d been working at the “butthole clinic” (a high end colonic spa) for a while, but he told me yesterday that he “quit the fuck out of that job”. He was living with his boss (sleeping on her couch), so he had to move out. He posted an ad on craigslist, and he and his girlfriend (who is 20, looks like Laura Prepon, and is a pathological liar) are now living with a one legged jewish man in his 60’s named Phineaus.

I shit you not. They pay him $500 a month for a bedroom (remember, this is Manhattan) and they smoke him out everyday. This guy is wheelchair bound and Pat has been helping him fix up the apartment as part of the deal. Although he has absolutely no qualifications what-so-ever, he now makes money by answering “handyman” jobs on craigslist and claiming that he is an expert in whatever you need done. Carpentry, tile work, computer repair (he is actually qualified for that), plumbing, building inspection… you name it, Pat Farris is qualified to do it.

I asked him why he doesn’t have a blog where he writes about all of his nutty adventures (like taking Phineaus horseback riding, or how he’s really into baking fresh bread now).

Pat’s response, “Because most of it’s illegal.” Out of respect for our friend, I’ve chosen to leave out the part about paying his rent by growing mushrooms.

You can email him at, pathillfarris AT yahoo.com

Also, here's his old livejournal.
- posted by Mason @ 6:53 PM