I'm fucking exhausted...
Meg and I went to White Rock Lake today to do for a bit of hike. That short little jaunt ended up being a 10 mile trek. Five and a half hours and four sets of very tired legs (comet and riker came as well of course!) we walked all the way around the entire mother fucking lake. We celebrated with apple and gruyere cibatta sammies. A good time was had by all.
- posted by Mason @ 11:08 PM

You know it's bad when even I won't watch it...


I rented the highly touted Smokin' Aces from the internet movie rental store last night. Meg and I tried to watch it. We really did... but we just couldn't get through it.

Despite a fairly decent all-star cast (ok, all-midlevel tv personality cast) this movie feels like a not funny parody of a Soderbergh movie. The pace was painfully slow and a lot the plot movement didn't really make sense. Celeb guest cameo characters are introduced with no explanation and killed off before they can develop.

Also, Ryan Reynolds isn't in Merchant Ivory productions without reason. The man is Van Wilder in everything he does. It's not that I can't take him seriously because I've mentally typecast him as a comedic party boy... I can't take him seriously because he's a terrible fucking actor. This guy's our generation's Jim Belushi all the way (I take that back, the Belush is at least convincing playing a belligerent, misogynistic alcoholic... sometimes art imitates life)

Anyway, Smokin' [that apostrophe really bothers me] Aces was so boring that we decided to watch:

DEMOLITION MAN!!!!

I will, however, concede that I despise Sandra Bullock (sorry YoungJayYoung, she's not a very good actress). Other than having to suffer through her "I can still be cute well into middle age" bullshit, I really like Demolition Man. Wesley Snipes is especially ridiculous and HamburgerMeatFace Stallone is at his finest. To capture the true essence of this film, I suggest you either watch it on TBS or go to Cash America Pawn and buy it on VHS for $1.98.

BONUS: THE SECRET OF THE THREE SHELLS REVEALED!!!!!
(scroll down to the bottom of the page)
- posted by Mason @ 10:53 AM

Tape Deck pr0n








Estate sales: I LOVE YOU.

I paid $1.50 for this bad motherfucker this morning.
Wow. It's mint. Perfect. Works flawlessly.

It came with two sets of these rca cables in the package, plus the manuals and original warranty card.

I'm a bad ass.
- posted by Mason @ 11:08 PM

Spamerica
This is a good one:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "odudu more" [odudumore@talkie.com]
To: [xxxxxxxxxxxxxx@xxxxxx.com]
Subject: Buried Near Son
Created: 02/23/2007 02:30:03

Of headaches yesterday thought it prudent.
Hollywood for john, travoltas.
Headlines senate dems limit iraq. Links, are provided reference purposes is content
internet.
Ascot hospital auckland, but expected take? Are, provided reference purposes is
content. Are, provided reference purposes is! Info terms use privacy policyyour
california external.
Medical mystery morbid carts more germy than public!
Email article rss, headlines senate dems limit? Postponed until, june, agency
suffered details have not.
It, prudent move ahead, with small. Bigger bang european tour which scheduled start
barcelona spain.
Barbs tied jailed man.
Or jet ski associated, press all rights. Criticizes chinas arms most sent medical
mystery morbid carts. Most sent medical mystery morbid, carts, more.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- posted by Mason @ 11:29 AM

Your Calender Doesn't Make Any Fucking Sense


I'm pretty sure we all know how hopelessly outdated the Gregorian Calender is. It's confusing, it's inconsistant, you have to say a stupid rhyme or count your god-damn knuckles to figure out what months have what days. It's totally gay to the max.

Well, here's a better option.

Check it:

* It has an easy-to-remember 11 straight months of 30 days each, ending the confusion of variable month lengths.
* It offers three identical business quarters of 90 days each.
* It still only has one "leap day," and puts it in December, at the very end of the year.
* It allows easy calculation of ordinal days (number of days in the year), since almost almost all months are equal in length and each month starts again after 30 days.
* Months progress in a more logical fashion, with each month within a year's calendar year starting two weekdays later than the previous month did (if January starts on a Monday, February starts on a Wednesday.)
* Its logical design makes calculating any weekday an easy task (If January starts on a Monday, March 1 will be a Friday, Mar. 8 is a Wednesday, so Mar. 9 is a Thursday.)

I'm all for it. Anyone else? That would make today Feb 23rd, 2007.

Get on board here people, this shit JUST WORKS.
- posted by Mason @ 5:12 PM

DimeFAG Darrell


The Half Price Books on NW Highway in Dallas has this totally awesome early Pantera signed photo. I love the hairmetalness of it. Also, it's $400 dollars.
- posted by Mason @ 10:17 AM

Oh Golden Statue, How You Bore Me



Well, it's nigh on OZKAR time again friends.

Blah, blah, blah. And the nominees are:

On one hand, a bunch of boring fucking dramas nobody gives two shits about!
And on the other, another bunch of boring fucking dramas everybody went to see!

"I can't believe they got that nasty Ellen Degenerate woman to host. Well, you know she'll just make a lot of jokes that only those types like her will understand. A woman in my pilates class watches her, but think she's just terrible."

The real point of my bringing all this up is that I watched Pan's Labyrinth.



It got nominated for a ton of shit and everybody's been going crazy for it because it's the only non-Almodovar, spanish language movie ever made not featuring a busty nurse or a masked wrestler.

I thought it was just ok, frankly. The basic premise is that a little girl in Spain in 1945 has a shitty life and her step-dad is a fascist military commander, brutally loyal to Franco. Then some magical shit happens. Then there's about thirty minutes of stuff about the Spanish Civil War, then the more magical shit happens, and then some people get tortured by the army, then some more magical shit happens, and then it's over.

It looked ok, except for the fact that del Torro uses an icky blue filter for everything that happens outside, which I think is the most overdone thing on earth. It makes everything look an episode of CSI:NY.

Anyway, this movie was ok, you could go see it if you wanted.
- posted by Mason @ 5:05 PM

My Granddad's Not Dead, Part 2


So Bam seems to be better.

Obviously he's not going to "get better", but the mean old bastard isn't giving up anytime soon.

Here's a picture of the man himself and me, circa 1985-86.

"Ya'll kant fuk wit OLEN RAY HIBBARD!"
- posted by Mason @ 2:54 PM

I need to tell you a secret...
There's something I've been meaning to tell you for a while now.

Something I'm ashamed of. Something that's been tearing me apart with guilt.

Ok... here it goes.


I like The Wallflowers.


There. I said it. I've admitted it and it's out in the open.
I can't help it. I don't want to like them I just do.

I've always been open out liking the Gin Blossoms. I think they're a great band with great pop hooks. But this Jakob Dylan thing is different. It's ugly, shameful, filthy. I hate it and I want it to go away, but I just can't. I hear "One Headlight" and I bop my head along to it. I hear "The Difference" and I yell along with the chorus. I just really, really like that album. I know it's totally 11th grade, but I think that "Bringing Down the Horse" is a bargain bin classic.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you before, I shouldn't have kept this from you for so long. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
- posted by Mason @ 3:40 PM

Bam Sez: Part One
I'll be posting some of my favorite Ray Hibbard quotes, aphorisms and general malcontentedness as the week wears on. Today's quote:

"When I was young I had blue eyes and a red dick. Now I'm old and I've got red eyes and a blue dick."
- posted by Mason @ 10:13 AM

I sure do wish that people I love would stop dying.
So Bam is this close to gone. Hot on the heels of Megan's grandfather's sudden (and unexpected) death over xmas, my own favourite grandpa (Bam) is now dying. It's been a long four years leading up to this. In and out of the hospital, feeling lousy, being stuck at home with his mother-in-law... it's been "only a matter of time" for much longer than any of us wanted to admit.

Our family is very much about denial, so that refusal to face the harsh reality falls right into line with how my mother was raised, and how she raised me. I know my grandmother will just pull all that pain and grief down into a tight little ball in the pit of her stomach, clap her hands together and say "Well, we just need to get that roast in the oven!" While neither my mom nor I nor my brother push the denial as far as my Nanny, it's still there. It's always my first reaction, and it probably always will be.

The thing is, that I don't really feel grief. Maybe it's because I'm still in denial about the whole thing, but I feel ok about it actually. The last thing Bam would want was any of us "pissing and moaning" over him. I feel so prepared for this that I don't really feel sad. I suppose it's partially the liberal humanism that runs so deep in me (largely instilled by Bam's general attitude toward life) that says "well, that's just the way things are." This is, of course, a modified version of the Olen Ray Hibbard adage "shit happens". Some choose to let negativity ruin their lives, my grandfather and I have chosen to let it empower us.

Anyway, I'm happy that last time I saw him over xmas, I hugged him and told him that I loved him. That's all anyone can ask for.
- posted by Mason @ 9:13 AM

A Short Morality Play


Christian: "Homosexuality is a sin."
Me: "Why do you think that?"
Christian: "Because it says so in the Bible."
Me: "But I reject the Bible as a premise. Your argument is predicated upon a document that I feel holds no validity. You therefore can't use the Bible to argue with me."
Christian: "Well, I believe what it says in the Bible."
Me: "Ok, where in the Bible does it say that?"
Christian: "Uh.... I'm not exactly sure, I'd have to look it up. I know it's in there though."
Me: "Do you wear poly-cotton blend clothing?"
Christian: "What?"
Me: "You heard me, mother-fucker, DO YOU WEAR 50/50 T-SHIRTS?"
Christian: "Well, yeah, my WWJD is 50/50."
Me: "Then you're going to burn in hell if you believe what it says in the Bible."
Christian: "That's not true!!!"
Me: "Can I see your Bible?"
Christian: "I have it right here I always carry a spare."
Me: "Here in Leviticus 18 it says a man shouldn't like with a man, because it's an abomination."
Christian: "See, just like I said, it's in the Bible that being gay is a sin."
Me: "And one chapter later, in Leviticus 19:19 -

"Keep my statutes: do not breed any of your domestic animals with others of a different species; do not sow a field of yours with two different kinds of seed; and do not put on a garment woven with two different kinds of thread."

So you've broken god's law, just the same as if you stuck your dick in another man's ass."
Christian: "Well, that's different."
Me: "Why?"
Christian: "Because homosexuality is a sin, it says so in the Bible."

And....... SCENE!
- posted by Mason @ 8:56 PM

I weep for our nation's future...
I'm a big Rosie O'Donnell fan. I think she's fucking great, frankly. I actively watch The View on my days off because she's just so goddamn liberal, and I think it's fantastic. Because I love Rosie so much, her blog is in my google reader feeds, and I read it daily. If you've never looked at it before, you should, because it's amusing.

The format is this: people have 140 characters in which to ask Rosie a question, she gives very short answers, then posts them everyday. It's amusing, sort of weird, and sometimes confusing, but I love it. So today, the following gets posted:

Kristen writes:

I’m only 18, so I don’t always understand politics. I know the Bush administration said they were invading Iraq because of weapons of mass destruction but found none. What is the real reason they went

Isn't that fucking depressing. Let me requote that, "I’m only 18, so I don't always understand politics." The depressing part is that "Kristen" is one of the questioning few. At least she realizes that she doesn't know anything and is asking a reliable source for answers (Rosie's answer by the way was "money". Right on sister!)

Shouldn't America's youth be the vanguard of our new moral and ethical center? Shouldn't they be lashing out against realpolitik, slash and burn warfare thinking?
In general, I don't soapbox about our country on my "electronic machine", but the MTV2 generation just doesn't seem to give a fuck.

I suppose it doesn't help that they all go to mega-churches.
- posted by Mason @ 8:25 PM

Craigslist Item of the Day

SINGLEWIDE TRAILER HOME!!!!!!!!
Reply to: sale-277387325@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-02-12, 10:30AM CST

This is a very abandoned trailer home on my property, if anyone wants it for scrap iron or to take for parts let me know. it has the frame, axles and wheels. call 972-564-5410 ask for warren.

This craigslist posting is a classic. Megan (hardcore craigslist snoop that she is) found this today. I wish I could live there.
- posted by Mason @ 6:00 PM

Vintage Radio Shack P0rn
Meg and I went to this kick ass estate sale yesterday.
Check out this totally hotttt and nastttty Realistic Stereo Headphone Junction Box I bought for two bucks.









The best part is the ORIGINAL RECEIPT FROM RADIO SHACK!!!

Dated 2/26/77, this bad boy cost $14.95. That's almost $50 today (via CPI lookup).
- posted by Mason @ 11:30 AM

You think you are bad? You want to fuck with me? You are a fucking choir boy compared to me!


This post was originally going to be about the 1999 blockbuster End of Days, staring Arnie and Gabriel Byrne. If you never seen this stinker, it's like a cross between Rosemary's Baby and The Prophecy if shit blew up and Kevin Pollack made unfunny jokes. Also, this movie features Arnold screeching the immortal line that is this post's title.

So I was going to talk about what a ridiculously excellent action movie this is, but I came across the above picture. I was searching for a good screen shot (I'm too lazy to make my own), but I found this instead. I really like it. It makes me happy. I sort of don't understand it though. Is the artist saying that at the "end of all days" some sort of tattooed-wolf-solider-shock-troops will rule with brute force n'er seen before? I'm confused.

Also, is the wolf-solider afloat on a rock in a sea of lava or what? How did he get there? What kind of music would the wolf-troops listen to? Jackson Browne? Seals and Crofts? Dan Fogelberg?
- posted by Mason @ 3:54 PM

MY BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I sure do love that Riker!
- posted by Mason @ 10:27 AM

well that's fucked up...
Well, I had a big long thing to post today about a really funny story I overheard at work (the culmination of which was: "I got a cousin, that got a baby, and everytime that child come to my house he smell like reefer." The premise of the story is that the toddler can't sleep if he's not listening to snoop dogg.), but all that is put on hold because of this celebrity bombshell.



Anna Nicole Smith is dead. Wow. What a way to go out, strung out in a hotel room.
She truly is her generation's Marilyn Monroe.

When I read the headline on Smoking Gun, I thought it was a joke.
You don't need a recap because you've already been inundated with this story, but wow. Totally fucked up.

Also, her website won't load as of right now.
- posted by Mason @ 4:13 PM

Lisztomania


In 1975, the worst director in the history of cinema, Ken Russell, made a movie so mindblowingly weird, so incomprehensibly odd, that you've never heard of it. It's called Lisztomania, and it stars Roger Daltrey as Franz Liszt.

Let me give that a second to process.......

Roger Daltrey as Franz Liszt. Like, that composer guy.
The tag line for this movie was "The erotic, exotic electrifying rock fantasy... It out-Tommy's TOMMY."

It also stars Rick Wakeman as Thor.

Let me give that two seconds to process............

Rick Wakeman as Thor. Like, that norse god dude.
Wakeman was responsible for all the non-Liszt music from this movie, and according to the internet, the LP of the soundtrack is pretty collectible.

This film appears (from stills, synopsis and reviews) terrifyingly bad. It looks lewd, inane, nonsensical and overblown. In short, it looks like my new favorite movie of all time. It's sadly not available on DVD, but I'm considering buying a VHS copy and getting someone with a VCR into running it to DiVX for me. I really must see it.


Oh, I almost forgot, Ringo Starr is the pope.

____________________________________________________________________________________

As a side note, it seems that Ken Russell is OBSESSED with the sexual proclivities of the great composers, having made the film Mahler (1974) and all of these movies for British Television (via screenonline.org.uk):

Béla Bartók (1964)
-Ken Russell's portrait of the great Hungarian composer
Dance of the Seven Veils (1970)
-Ken Russell's controversial caricature of the composer Richard Strauss
Debussy Film, The (1965)
-Ken Russell's film-within-a-film about the French composer
Elgar (1962)
-Ken Russell's remarkably imaginative portrait of the composer
Gordon Jacob (1959)
-Ken Russell's portrait of the English composer at home and at work
Prokofiev (1961)
-Ken Russell's portrait of the great Russian composer
Song of Summer (1968)
-Ken Russell's moving drama about the last years of the blind composer Delius
Vaughan Williams (1984)
-Ken Russell's study of the great composer's nine symphonies

Sick, huh?
- posted by Mason @ 4:16 PM