Breakdown, go ahead and give it to me...


blurry old cheap digital camera picture of blue dick himself.

Megan and I were rearranging some stuff tonight and we pulled everything out of our living room closet. We found the giant (two foot long) phillips head screwdriver meant as a present for Bam (avid readers will remember that my grandfather passed away in March) last xmas. I accidentally left it here in Dallas, and consequently never gave it to him. I was going to tell him that it was so he could "put the screws to everybody" which he would have thought was fucking hilarious.

When Meg pulled it out of a box, I just lost it. For some reason it just destroyed me, and the sadness and loss welled up and washed over me, vivid, fresh and anew. It felt like it just happened all over again, and just shattered me. My grandfather dying, for me, was so much more than just losing a loved one. You have to understand that Bam was my role model, my archtype, my Robert Mitchum. Since becoming self-aware (I suppose after about 12 or 13), he's always been my moral center, my guideline for how to interact with the outside (which in many ways explains my charm, biting wit and self confidence... nay, arrogance). I guess it's one of those things where the hurt will always be fresh in some ways. I know for my mother, it's the silence of the empty house when my grandmother isn't home that breaks her. For me, tonight, the novelty screwdriver with the cheap green plastic handle ripped me apart.

I miss Bam and I always will, but every time I steam a cup of milk with his thermometer, it reminds me of who I am, where I come from and the standard of humanity by which I abide.
- posted by Mason @ 11:00 PM