My Dinner with Andre



I'd never seen this film before. I really, really enjoyed it.
It's just Andre Gregory and Wally Shawn sitting in a restaurant talking about the meaning of art and theater.

I suggest it highly.
- posted by Mason @ 9:58 PM

Pat Farris is back in action.

Last night I got a call from my best friend from high school, Pat Farris (a.k.a. Pat The Scat, a.k.a. C. Heidi Farris). If you don’t know Pat, you’re really missing out. He’s the originator of “grandma, how come the poo tastes so good?” and a long time promoter of saying “dildo-cock” and calling people “grandma-fuckers”.

In the nine years since high school, Pat has lived in New Orleans (he fled under circumstances never revealed, leaving a 1987 Toyota Previa van in a parking lot), Chicago (he fled in the middle of the night, leaving almost all of his possessions), back to OKC (he slept on a couch in my brother’s bedroom for about six months while he was “tutoring” Daniel, I think they were fucking, but I could be wrong [ed.’s note: HA!]), and then Manhattan. He’s been in NYC for about three years and he seems really happy. He’d been working at the “butthole clinic” (a high end colonic spa) for a while, but he told me yesterday that he “quit the fuck out of that job”. He was living with his boss (sleeping on her couch), so he had to move out. He posted an ad on craigslist, and he and his girlfriend (who is 20, looks like Laura Prepon, and is a pathological liar) are now living with a one legged jewish man in his 60’s named Phineaus.

I shit you not. They pay him $500 a month for a bedroom (remember, this is Manhattan) and they smoke him out everyday. This guy is wheelchair bound and Pat has been helping him fix up the apartment as part of the deal. Although he has absolutely no qualifications what-so-ever, he now makes money by answering “handyman” jobs on craigslist and claiming that he is an expert in whatever you need done. Carpentry, tile work, computer repair (he is actually qualified for that), plumbing, building inspection… you name it, Pat Farris is qualified to do it.

I asked him why he doesn’t have a blog where he writes about all of his nutty adventures (like taking Phineaus horseback riding, or how he’s really into baking fresh bread now).

Pat’s response, “Because most of it’s illegal.” Out of respect for our friend, I’ve chosen to leave out the part about paying his rent by growing mushrooms.

You can email him at, pathillfarris AT yahoo.com

Also, here's his old livejournal.
- posted by Mason @ 6:53 PM

Work is an unwashed dick in my mouth


ARRGGHH!!!! I'm like fuckin' charlie brown over here with the arrggghh already.

We have 1200+ plus 8.5x11 sheets of coloured paper in a box. My job this weekend was to co-ordinate (read: sit in a room) the lookup of everyone listed on these sheets of paper via whitepages.com and find current phone numbers for them. Not surprisingly, only about 5% of these people have information one can look up. I've typed in so many addresses in the last three days that I can't see anything but the words "circle" "terrace" and "court". I hate people's addresses. I hate whitepages.com.

Pandora is my only saving grace. Have I mentioned how much I love it? I think I have.
- posted by Mason @ 2:57 PM

Apparently, I don't know anything...

According to my Pandora Internet Radio, I'm a total fucking loser who knows zero about music.

It turns out that there are TONS of great bands in genres I thought I'd played out that I've never heard before.

Me: I like King Crimson.
Pandora: Well, you'll like Gong and Boud Deun too.
Me: Who?
Pandora: Trust me you'll them.

And you know what? I did. Pandora is my friend.
- posted by Mason @ 4:07 PM

You is a Stupid Idiots


This craigslist posting blows my mind. Megan emailed to me this morning.

It reads:

BIG DARK ARMWA - $200

Date: 2007-01-25, 8:49AM CST

This piece was originally $1200 but the doors have been taken off the bottom.
It needs a coat or two of refinish, but it is a great piece for any living room. Email me for pictures.

Taylor 512 947 3607

"Armwa". It took me a second to even figure it out.
Meg says: "i almost missed it because i just processed it as a brand name or something, but then it hit me!"
I don't even have a joke about it, it's so amazing.

P.S.- No posts for the last two days because 1/2 of my readership (Robert and Daniel) came down for a few days. Why do I have a blog that only four people read? Because I can.
- posted by Mason @ 11:04 AM

Vegetarian of the Week: Milton Berle

America's favorite Cross Dressing, Cigar Smoking, Gambling Addicted, Silent Film Child Star turned Borscht Belt Vaudeville Headliner turned TV Variety Show Superstar turned Cameo Appearance Making Foulmouthed Old Man didn't partake of the flesh.

Bully for you, Uncle Miltie.
- posted by Mason @ 8:12 PM

Oh Daddy, the bad man made the words come out wrong...


We just finished watching season three of The 4400, and something's really been bothering me. When I say "The 4400", it comes out as "The Fordy Four Hundred". I think most English speakers with a relatively flat, middle American accent like mine probably pronounce the word "40" as "fordy". If you were a southern gentleman you might say "fahwty" and snap your tongue against the roof of your mouth to hit that hard "t", but other than that, most Americans are going to use a soft "d" for the "t" in that word. Since The 4400 is shot in BC and a large number of the actors are Canadian, they often say "The Fory Four Hunred", completely removing the "t" sound altogether. As Canadians, it is fully their right to do so, and (as you well know) I'm very much in favor of regions preserving their dialects and accents. This leads me to what's been bothering me... the word "50" pronounced as "fiddy".

"But Mason," you say, "I'm a slack jawed yokel from southeastern Oklahoma! The CW's Reba is my favorite show, and I know no other method of forming my lips and tongue to express the word of the number that is five times ten! I have no choice but to say "fiddy", would you chastise me for that? It seems massively hypocritical to give our neighbors to the north a pass of "fory", but not me. Can you explain this inconsistency?"

Yes I can. I have no problem with your pronunciation of "50" as "fiddy" as long as you're country. Black people, white people, that guy who's the manager at the Banana Leaf in Plano who looks like the Asian George Clooney but sounds like Hank Hill... if you say "ya'll", you can say "fiddy".

The problem I have is that my boss (whom I love dearly as a person) is a white man in late 30's from Northern California with no discernible accent who says "fiddy". It drives me nuts. He says it's a bad habit he picked up working retail, but I don't believe it. He has a masters degree in international business and speaks fluent Japanese, yet he says "fiddy cent" instead of "fifty cents". I don't understand it.



P.S. - Jordan Collier is a fucking bad ass.
- posted by Mason @ 3:26 PM

SPAMAPALOOZA
More spam for your enjoyment:

From: "Bank of America"
To: "Customerservice"
Subject: Bank of America: confirm your identity! [Fri, 19 Jan 2007 01:39:27 -0800]
Created: 01/19/2007 03:40:04


"Wake up, sleepyhead! creepy bronchi Yes.

"No,»she said, "I cannot do that, as much as I would like to and spare you the
agony you feel. That's the bad news. He felt her tugging, pulling. Exactly
what? From the barn he could hear spaced thudding noises. But the piece of
alien metal must have fallen all the way to the bottom of the lock, because
her key worked perfectly. It had been five days since his expedition into
the bathroom and the parlor, and he had recuperated from that experience
faster than he would ever have believed. detriment

- posted by Mason @ 3:35 PM

DirecTV is a lying sack of shit.

So my old arch nemesis, DirecTV CLAIMS they'll be offering 100 HD channels in 2007.
To that I say, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAHAHAHA."
Balderdash.
Hogwash.
Absolute nonsense.

Here's a partial "list" of the channels that will be in HD (via engadget):

* A&E
* National Geographic
* Bravo
* NFL Network
* Cartoon Network
* SciFi Channel
* CNN
* Speed
* Food Network
* TBS
* FX
* The History Channel
* HGTV
* The Weather Channel
* MTV
* USA Network

Oh please, bitch. So I guess DTV is going to pay for the equipment upgrades required for all those networks to start sending HD signals to the broadcast center, huh? Less than half of those networks even have HD content to broadcast. Even if USA had the equipment (and just because Universal owns them, don't assume they do), only Law and Order, their four originals and tennis would be in HD. All the shitty, edited for tv fullscreen movies they show won't be.

Food Network shoots their programming in 720x480p at the very most (that's dvd quality, if you didn't know), and a lot of it is fullscreen (actually pillarbox since widescreen IS the new fullscreen). The cost to swap out all their camera and editing equipment would be in the multi-millions! Maybe DTV thinks they can pawn "widescreen" television off on the viewing public as "high-def" like Fox did a couple of years ago. I'm personally very much in favor of most television being 480p and widescreen (specifically reality tv and news) like it is in Australia and the UK. Everything doesn't need to be 1080i. I'm actually very much in favor of capping resolution at 1280x720 to save bandwidth... I assure you that you can't tell the difference. I know, I know... 480p is EDTV, and that's gross, but I think it's a positive baby step for all of us. While I support EDTV, I won't pretend it's HD. Fuck DirecTV and their blatant lies. Get Dish or cable.

Not that it matters since you'll never get true, uncompressed HD any way other than over the air. The bandwidth consumption is just monstrous.

BTW, American Idol looks AMAZING this season, the fucking colors are mindblowing.
Thanks KDFW!
- posted by Mason @ 4:17 PM

All Hail Charles Band!

Z-Grade horror movie Jesus Charles Band is auctioning off a bunch of original poster art (looks like marker rendering!!!!) from his terrible movies that I love. This is the original art from Subspecies 2: Bloodstone, these are all from his personal collection and ONE OF A KIND. I weep for it's beauty, but I can't spend $350 on it... I want to, but I can't.

If you're not down with the "Band-age", you should be. This is the man who brought us the Puppet Master movies (and almost 300 others)! Honor him.
- posted by Mason @ 10:02 AM

IT'S LIKE OXYGEN FOR A DYING MAN!!!!!!!!

Jesus, we've been without internet access for days. Since we don't have a laptop anymore, and I can't post from my pocket pc, there's a huge hole in my blog now. Shit.

To bring you up to speed: it's cold here.

American Idol starts tonight, and I couldn't be happier. I'm especially psyched this year because we get to watch it in HD. (OTA HD, how I love you.) While looking at the Idol website (I'm sick, I know), I found a casting link for a show called "On the Lot". Check the synopsis:

On the Lot is the groundbreaking new show brought to you by reality show mastermind, Mark Burnett, and legendary producer and director, Steven Spielberg. Over the season, the 16 filmmakers will produce short films in every genre every week and the viewers will vote on who gets eliminated. The winning filmmaker will take home a $1 Million development deal!

SPIELBERG? SPIELBERG? I only Dawson's Creek was still on so there could be a whole crossover season where they put Van Der Beek on that show as his character and made all the real contestants pretend like they didn't know he was an actor. That would tv heaven.

But really, SPIELBERG? Shouldn't he be busy making Indie 4, before Harrison Ford comes to his senses and realizes the ship sailed on that project making any sense ten years ago. I love Harrison Ford, and I always have, but let's look at a list of all the movies he's made in the last ten years (since he was 53):

Firewall (2006) - WATCHABLE, BUT IT DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE
Hollywood Homicide (2003)- UNWATCHABLE, SO POORLY EDITED I COULDN'T FOLLOW IT
K-19: The Widowmaker (2002)- WATCHABLE, BUT TERRIBLE, AMUSING IN THE SAME WAY AIR FORCE ONE IS AMUSING
What Lies Beneath (2000) - UNWATCHABLE, (BUT I HATE MICHELLE PFEIFFER, SO MY OPINION DOESN'T COUNT)
Random Hearts (1999) - VOMIT
Six Days Seven Nights (1998) - DOUBLE VOMIT
Air Force One (1997) - I LOVE THIS MOVIE, BUT IT'S TERRIBLE
The Devil's Own (1997) - I DIDN'T SEE THIS MOVIE, BUT I'M SURE IT'S BAD.
Sabrina (1995) - DOUBLE VOMIT TO THE MAX. BOGART HE'S NOT.

So I guess since he has no integerity what so ever, it doesn't matter if he does Indie 4. It's going to be awful, but I'll download it and watch it anyway. Does it bother anyone else that Connery is only 12 years older than Harrison Ford? I bet it bothers Connery.
- posted by Mason @ 9:22 AM

Other Arts Organizations

(Seattle Symphony: they actually play interesting music.)

I spent all day today looking at other arts organization's websites. I'm collecting data on fee structures and exchange policies, since we're thinking about revamping ours.

The main thing I learned today is this: non-profits hire retards to do their web design. It's just awful. I can't even site specific examples because they're all so bad. Look at this list of arts organizations and google them to follow my trail.

(I'd like to point out that Tessitura [the ticketing software we use] are fucking morons for not linking to all of their client's websites).

Additionally, does anyone know of a job that pays 30k+ where I don't spend all my time cleaning up the mistakes of the totally incompetent? That would be sweet (and by sweet, I don't mean like, "DUDE, SWEET", I mean saccharine bliss to my work tooth).
- posted by Mason @ 11:28 AM

I forgot how much I love Entourage


We started watching Entourage over from the begining. I hadn't checked in about a year (I missed a lot of last season), and I totally forgot how awesome and hilarious it is. Down season one and two here. I suggest you pull down the HD rips of season 3, unless you don't roll the 720p... in which case, fuck you.
- posted by Mason @ 11:25 PM

You Know What REALLY Burns Me Up?

People who print out their emails.

This woman I work with prints off EVERY EMAIL SHE GETS. I know this because my desk sits right next to the laser printer and I have to listen to it run for ten minutes every morning during her vile act. She then takes this huge stack of paper back to her desk where she reads through the emails, highlighting what I assume are the most interesting parts. She THROWS AWAY the unimportant sheets and files the rest in one of a set of massive 3" black binders. I hate her for this I can think of nothing more wasteful or foolish.

It's not a teletype.
- posted by Mason @ 8:50 PM

They Finally Called

The owner called us this morning. He sent two guys out and they cut all the above pictured paint off the ceiling. They're going to let it dry for a few days and then re-drywall. We'll see what happens.
- posted by Mason @ 11:44 PM

Our Bathroom is Fucked


11:00pm - Megan notices a drip coming from the ceiling in our bathroom. I say, "Well, I'll call the apartment manager in the morning."

11:30pm - I notice that there are now two drips, and the paint on the ceiling is starting to bubble. I go upstairs and knock on the door. The guy that lives above us isn't home. I call the apartment manager on the "24 Hour Emergency Line", and leave a message about what's going on. I also call the owner and leave a message on his voicemail about what's going on.

12:30am - Water is now coming in pretty hardcore from the ceiling in the bathroom, I open the linen closet next to the bathroom and brown water pours out all over me. Meg and I empty the cabinet and put down towels. I go back upstairs and bang on the door for ten minutes, just to make sure he's not home. I leave a note with my name and phone number, telling him to come down and get me no matter what time he gets home.

2am to 6am - I set my alarm to wake me up every hour so I can empty the pitcher and squeeze out towels.

7:30am - I wake up to the sound of pouring water. I spring into action, moving even more stuff. Megan I empty my shelves in the bedroom that have all of my LPs and music gear. I call the apartment manager and owner again and leave messages. I go upstairs and the guy still isn't home. I can hear the fire alarm going off and the sound of shooting water.

8:15am - I've had it and call the fire department. I tell him what's going on and they say they'll be right there.

8:25am - Dallas Fire and Rescue shows up. I let them in my apartment and show them the damage thus far. I explain that I can't get in contact with either the apartment manager or owner, and the guy upstairs isn't home, and I have no way to contact him. They say, "We'll take care of it."

8:30am - I call both the apartment manager and owner and leave messages telling them that I had to call the fire department and they're going into the apartment.

8:35am - They break down the door of the upstairs apartment.

8:40am - They come down and tell me they shut the water off, that it was a busted pipe and that there's about an inch and a half of water on the guy's bathroom floor and his carpet is soaked. It was the hot water so there was a haze of steam and I would assume everything the guy owns is ruined.

9:00am - The firemen wrap it up, telling me they tried to put the guy's door back together as best they could. I ask if they have any paperwork I need to sign or something I need to give to the apartment manager. The captain tells me that there's nothing I need to do, that the owners will have to go downtown and fill out some paperwork. I thank them, they pile in their fire truck, and go home.

9:30am - I go to work. As of now, I haven't heard back from ANYONE. It's 10:30am, eleven hours after my original call. What if the building had been on fire? Anyway, as you can see, the ceiling in our bathroom is totally ruined. I really hope they can fix it in a reasonable amount of time. I guess Meg and I should start looking for a new place.

More pictures are here.


UPDATE: As of 5pm I haven't heard from either the apartment manager or owner, but the guy who lives above us came home. His name is Micheal and he apologized profusely for fucking up our bathroom. Megan told him it was no big deal... it's not like it's his fault. He gave us his cell number for future reference.
- posted by Mason @ 10:16 AM

Pizza Hut on Wheels
I'm jumping on the Google Patents bandwagon here, but there are worse things than being Bandwagonesque.

In 1990, our friends at the then super-power of shitty delivery pizza, Pizza Hut, developed and patented a "Compact Pizza Preparation and Delivery Vehicle".

It's a Chevy S-10 pickup with an oven and a cell phone.

From the patent brief:

A compact pizza preparation and delivery vehicle comprising:

-a pickup truck comprising a driver's compartment with a driver's seat, a cargo bed behind the driver's compartment, an engine; and a battery and alternator for supplying electrical power to the engine;
-means for receiving pizza delivery orders while in transit;
-a topper to cover the cargo bed and form a cargo compartment;
-a refrigerated case located in the driver's compartment within access of a driver in the driver's seat for storing pizza shells and pizza toppings;
-an assembly table located on top of the refrigerated case upon which an uncooked pizza shell is placed while pizza toppings are applied thereto;
-a pizza oven in the cargo bed which is adapted and positioned so that, while sitting in the driver's seat, a driver can insert an unbaked assembled pizza into the oven and remove a baked pizza from the oven and wherein the pizza oven comprises:

-a baking chamber
-fan means for impelling heated air
-an oven door
-a turntable upon which the pizza is rotated about its center
-at least one upper slot in the baking chamber through which heated air is impelled toward the top of the pizza as it is rotated on the turntable
-at least one bottom slot in the baking chamber through which heated air is impelled toward the bottom of the pizza as it is rotated on the turntable
-an oven controller means including a timer means for setting a proper baking cycle for each pizza.

I reiterate that you simply cannot make this kind of shit up.

I encourage you to read the whole patent. I sort of don't get the deal with it. I understand the need for hot, fresh pizza, but the likelihood of my driver dying in a horrible collision while trying to pull a pie from the oven seems pretty fucking high. I suppose this didn't work out as the pizza revolution they'd intended. Maybe we can still look forward to cooking our pizzas in our Black and Decker rehydrater.
- posted by Mason @ 7:52 PM

My Penchant for Pralines
I'm just a big fucking fan of pralines. I think they taste good.
- posted by Mason @ 9:45 AM

Wake Up Cookie Eaters, You're Time Has Come!

Dear Cookie Baking World,

Chocolate chip cookies are not simply a vehicle for chocolate chips. If I wanted to eat chocolate chips (and I occasionally do), I would open a bag of them and fill my mouth up (ha ha - I like to fill up my mouth).

A chocolate chip cookie should be a cookie first and foremost, and a cookie that has some chocolate chips in second. No one would look at a blob of peanut butter on a plate and say "hey, peanut butter cookies!". It's just absurd.

Studies (and by studies I mean that I like to eat cookies) show that in the last five years both the number and size of chocolate chips in cookies has risen dramatically. Beyond the simple chocolate chip, cookies all over America are being soiled by unnecessary additives. Exotic dried fruits, nuts, and candies are overflowing from our cookies, and the madness must stop.

Until cookies are again defined by their dough, and consumed for the pure love of confection, not their overstuffed contents, we will never be free.

Thank you,
Mason Weaver
- posted by Mason @ 3:58 PM

My New Favourite King Crimson Album

I don't know, I'd never listened to it before. I'm blown away. Truly just amazed. Adrian Belew's voice is everything David Byrne should be but never archived. This trilogy of albums (Discipline [1981], Beat [1982], and Third of a Perfect Pair [1984]) totally go where the Heads should have gone, but ten years earlier. I guess it helps to have a band of the four best musicians in the entire universe (Fripp, Belew, Bruford and Levin) to do it. Fripp dissolved King Crimson in '74 and didn't regroup for seven years, so there's a very distinct line between the two periods. After these three albums, the band didn't record again in the studio until ten years later, making these early 80's Crimson records a very unique island (not to be confused with Islands) of prog.

Some of the work on these records is borderline XTC, but XTC if Rachmaninoff played really kick ass electric for them. You simply MUST MUST MUST listen.
- posted by Mason @ 11:30 AM

Oh the Spam Email bliss never ends
I've mentioned before that it's my job to check all the customer service emails we get at work. The spam we get is as great a joy in my life as Esteban and those twin midgets who teach you to sell real estate. They're no Chef Tony, but they're pretty close. Here are this month's "pick-o-the-litters":

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Bank of America"
To: "Orderingcustomerservice"
Subject: Bank of America - Important Security Update!


But you already had, hadn't you? abandon bard "I don't give a fuck,»he
said, and this was almost the truth.

He blinked, lowering his head and staring stupidly out into the summer he had
never expected he would see. I'm very tired, and I don't think I'd react
very well to funny jokes. Everything looked in perfect working order.
""Paul, no! "She twisted the cap off the bottle and drank deeply. The riding
mower was a small tractor-like vehicle meant for keeping larger-than-average
lawns neat and clipped. He smoked it enthusiastically, feeling both sick and
fine, feeling the way he imagined robbers must feel when they stick up banks.
authenticate

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Bank of America"
To: "Customerservice"
Subject: Alert - online confirmation procedure! -Thu, 28 Dec 2006 18:40:28 -0800
Created: 12/28/2006 20:50:03

He could hear crickets singing just outside the house when the wind dropped.
dementia biconcave Annie Wilkes was in her grave.

She slurped up the remainder of her sundae in five huge spoonfuls that would
have left Paul's throat gray with frostbite. "Same neat black ink below the
clipping. Just not being caught, it seemed, was a marvellous restorative.
I didn't kill him, you know. Paul doubted it. He looked past her and saw she
had turned the typewriter around before waking him; it grinned resplendently
at him with its missing tooth, telling him it was all right to hope and noble
to strive, but in the end it was doom alone which would count. Faintly he
could hear the sound of Annie Wilkes, Thomas»capable nurse, as she began to
soothe him and change his napkin. chadwick

Please bear in mind that I don't make this shit up. Also, the Magic Bullet is the Personal, Versatile Countertop Magician that does any job in ten seconds... or less.® And that's the fucking gospel.
- posted by Mason @ 3:09 PM

12 Days? Sorry about that.
I've been OOO (that's Out Of Office, for your "non-conformist" types that don't have a shitty 9-5 job) for a million fucking years. I had about a bazillion emails... blah blah blah.

I'm back in action, I had a good holiday. We painted our apartment blue. More to follow later today.
- posted by Mason @ 2:52 PM