I'm ripping it, son.



There isn't a dvdrip of the complete Kids in the Hall floating around teh internut toobes, so I'm netflixxxing and ripping them. If you're our age and KITH isn't one of your favorite things on earth, then you're either a huge fucking right-wing asshole, or a complete moron... either way I hate you. Its not the fastest process on earth, but it should be done in a few weeks, so let your old pal Mason know if you want a hit of the hilarity.

"I want my sausages!"
- posted by Mason @ 10:16 PM (5) comments

I found it stuck to a lightpost in the Fiesta parking lot.



I haven't found a picture in a while. This made my day.
- posted by Mason @ 7:50 PM (0) comments

Oh. My. God.



So this guy from Boston named Oleksiy invented a machine that prints on lattes and cappuccinos. What? Yeah, that's fucking mad cool, no? His company is called onlatte, inc. and they make and are going to start selling this machine. Is it ridiculous? Of course! Is it silly? Of course! Is it totally unnecessary? Of course! And I love it. I haven't a clue as to what anyone would want with this machine, but it's awesome nonetheless. If I had it I would print filthy words on everyone's drinks. Ooohhhhh, you could make cold drinks, shoot whipped cream on top, smooth it out and then print on the whipped cream.

From what I can tell it's very similar to the thing that prints pictures of people's fat co-workers on cheap grocery store cakes, but much lower pressure. I'm actually more interested in it printing in full rainbow color, but I think I'm the only person that would be into it.

Also, I think if you had one of those edible ink printing machines and you were willing to print pornography on cakes you could make a killing. You know there's no fucking way that Albertson's will put big hard boners on people's sweet desserts.


latte printer in action
- posted by Mason @ 9:24 PM (0) comments

Why am I not independently wealthy?



Oh man, if I had $1500 to blow, this is how I'd do it. Sony JH110C-8 1" 8-track reel to reel with Autolocator 3 and a Lynx Timecode unit. I can't think of a more mindblowing analog experience than to own this mother fucker.





- posted by Mason @ 8:47 PM (0) comments

Joe Biden is a Mass Transit Bad-Ass


Biden on the bus in 1974 and the train 30 years later

Joe Biden has been riding the train home from DC to Delaware almost everyday since 1972. The dream of having someone in a place of power that actually believes in mass transportation makes me want to cry. What if you could actually take trains to places you needed to go in this country? What if trains were efficient, timely, and cost-effective? They are in Europe and they could be here to if anyone in power gave a shit. Joe does.

One more reason to vote Democrat this year.
- posted by Mason @ 8:01 PM (1) comments

Calde of the Long Sun



I know that I really need to stop talking about Gene Wolfe, but I just can't help it. All I want is for HBO to develop an hour long series based on New Sun, Long Sun and Short Sun.

Each multi novel series could be broken up into a single seasons. The first five seasons being Shadow, Claw, Sword, Citadel and Urth. I'm pretty sure that Long Sun could be broken up into two or three seasons since the whole thing takes place over a fortnight. If it were done well, correctly cast, shot on location with as little blue screen as possible, and had a decent budget, it would be the best... and I mean THE BEST sci-fi series of all time. HBO, where are you on this one? Do I need to adapt scripts and submit them? Let me know and I'll do it.

If anyone is interested in helping me with a huge screen writing task, they should tell me.
- posted by Mason @ 8:01 PM (0) comments

Don't Call Him a Cowboy 'Till You Seen Him Ride



Meg took this picture of me on the way to work, and I think its my favorite photo of me ever. I love that I'm in focus and everything around me is moving since Meg was riding at a matched speed. I like to ride bikes, did you know that? I think I might have mentioned it.
- posted by Mason @ 8:01 PM (0) comments

The Best Thing I've Ever Tasted



For my birthday, I asked my Nanny to make me Vegan Grapeleaf Rolls ("That's called Dolmas, honey," she said.) I have never, ever, ever tasted anything as good. There is not a single thing that could be improved upon in these. They are perfect in every way, and I can't remember food that I've ever enjoyed more. Thanks, Nanny you made my birthday!
- posted by Mason @ 8:01 PM (0) comments

Hey, flip that bike upside down real quick...



Ohhhhhhh you fuckers are going to believe it now. Got a bike that needs fixin? Well bring it over... better yet, I'll toss my new ultra lightweight Park Tools PCS-11 (thanks for the b-day gift mom and dad!) on the bike and come to you. This big boy only weighs 14 lbs and it takes a fucking beating like a champ. A few minutes before this picture I had it a foot higher, but the whole thing wouldn't fit in frame, so I had to lower it. With the Huffy locked in place I turned it 360, and because the stand is so light, the whole thing can be picked up, moved back and forth, and twisted in any direction. The tripod section folds down and stores in the corner. If I had a strap I could sling it across my back. There is now no limit to my bike fixing, so bring on the junk bikes!
- posted by Mason @ 6:29 PM (0) comments

Holy Shit, it's even more birthday stuff!




Daniel really came through with the Numark Portable Turntable. It's going to be so perfect for DTC with ya boy Issac. Thanks, lil bro.
- posted by Mason @ 6:39 AM (1) comments

Estate Sale Pornography



Megan took this picture of me looking at a book of naked ladies in 3D. Instead of being arousing, I found it disturbing. I think I don't like red/blue 3D.
- posted by Mason @ 6:37 AM (0) comments

Parents (1989)



I watched Parents for the first time in over a decade. Its the first movie that Bob Balaban directed, and one of Randy Quaid's most disturbing performances. Its ostensibly a horror film, but the cinematography and art direction are more disturbing than the subject matter. I suggest revisiting this, because I know you haven't watched it in years either. It holds up really well. I can't believe my dad let me rent it, I'm sure that's one of the reasons I'm so fucked up.
- posted by Mason @ 6:39 AM (1) comments

Novel Jackpot DOT com



I found an original copy of the novelization of Buckaroo Banzai: Across the 8th Dimension. It was written by Earl Mac Raugh, the film's screenwriter, and there aren't that many copies out there, so I was pretty happy to find it for 79¢ at the thrift store.

Be sure to get your Yoyodyne Propulsion Institute t-shirts while they last. I might actually want this, though:

It's pretty cool... I don't know that it's $7 cool...
- posted by Mason @ 7:52 PM (0) comments

Bill Nelson for President



William Nelson, wanted fugitive, quack physician and multi-millionaire, is also Desiré Dubounet, amateur filmmaker, full figured transvestite and glass gargling operatic baritone. "Professor" Nelson has been living in Budapest for a decade after fleeing the US to avoid his indictment for fraud charges regarding his claims about this:



What is it? Why, it's The EPFX/SERIAL, Quantum Xrroid Consciousness Interface. What does it do? Let's let "Dr." Nelson explain for himself.

"The EPFX/SERIAL measures subtle electrical factors of the body. The patient is attached by the means of a head harness, ankle straps and wrist straps to a small digital box connected externally to the computer in the serial port. This small box is known as the interface box and is connected to the same port where you would normally connect the printer. By means of an automatic computer callibration [sic], the patient's electrical parameters are measured. This is known as the "handshake" between the computer and the patient. This provides the EPFX/SERIAL with a baseline from which to begin the test. Once calibration is complete the EPFX/SERIAL subjects the patient to minute electrical impulses and monitors how the patient reacts in terms of a high score. A reaction score is given to each tested item. The higher the number the more specific that item is for the patient. Once the main concerns have been established and highlighted, the practitioner can then begin a more thorough investigation of the patients current state of health."

How much does it cost? $21,000.00

I don't know how I didn't know about this, but this is my new favorite thing.
- posted by Mason @ 7:20 PM (0) comments

The Lathe of Heaven (1980)


- posted by Mason @ 3:07 PM (0) comments

1-800-Danny's-B-Day.com



Happy Birthday to my brother, Daniel! Yes, his birthday is the day after mine. (What can I say, my parents got bored in November in both 1980 and 1985.) I'm sure that there is now a house filled with naked hardcore dudes in their early 20's beginning a serious round of binge drinking. So beers to you vegan hardcore kids!
- posted by Mason @ 8:45 PM (0) comments

The 27th day of your naming.



Well, it's my birthday. Megan is the best and got me a ton of awesome shit. In addition to what you see in this video, she also got me a Burley Flatbed Bike Trailer. It's awesome, it only weighs 14 lbs but has a 100 lb capacity. She also made me a delicious chocolate sheet cake (vegan, of course), because there's nothing more birthday than chocolate sheet cake and ice cream. She veganized the recipe, so I'm sure she'll post it tomorrow.

Thanks to all for the phone calls and well wishes, they're much appreciated.
- posted by Mason @ 3:07 PM (2) comments

Ice Cream Cake, I light candles to your effigy



Megan made me a crushed mint cookie ice cream cake as a pre-birthday surprise. I love Megan.

It was delicious, by the way. Did you know that a large number of cookies at the $1 store are vegan? Well, you do now.
- posted by Mason @ 3:07 PM (0) comments

The Taco Joint is now open, bow your heads.



For the last two years all I've wanted was Dallas Vegan Mexican. When I lived in San Antonio (almost a decade ago) there were multiple fresh-mex and health-mex restaurants. For some reason, we haven't had that here in Dallas at all. Well, now we do. The Taco Joint opened across the street from us (and I mean literally 50 steps from our courtyard gate).



The menu is VERY vegan friendly, and they'll make you whatever you want if you just ask. Everything that's not explicitly meat or dairy is meat and dairy free. They have amazing homemade salsa (rojo and verde) and some fucking bad ass gauc. The salsa rojo was the perfect combination of fresh and spicy without being overpowering. It's run by my new friends Arturo and Corey from Austin. Arturo worked for Chuy's for 17 years before they decided to open my new favorite taco spot, and it shows. The quality of the food is exceptional, the prices are just right, the atmosphere is pleasant and friendly and the service is awesome.



Breakfast: Black bean and potato on wheat. Refried pinto beans and potato on white.
Check the menu.



So drop by and see Corey and Arturo at the Taco Joint, their food will fuck your shit up.
- posted by Mason @ 3:09 PM (0) comments

Olympic Fever and HD Discontent



If you're NBC, I understand why you want to show soccer games live, even given the time difference between the US and China. This means that games run from 5:00am to about 5:00pm everyday. But do you know what the NBC Olympic Soccer Channel shows after 5? Nothing. Not a goddamn thing. No replays, no highlights, nothing. Not a sausage. The time which the majority of people are home watching television features not a single second of olympic soccer. They throw up a banner proclaiming that more games will be on the following day. 12 hours of a screensaver listing tomorrows games. Is it just me or is this fucked beyond belief? The basketball channel shows the same shit, which pisses me off almost as much... and I don't really even care about olympic basketball (which is a totally separate post).

As a consequence of this mindboggling schedule, Meg gets to watch every game, every day and I get to watch half of one. Bullshit, no? There's not really even a good official schedule as to when games are on. I found this one after a touch of searching which explains everything much more succinctly.

I will say that all the games are beautifully shot, and I've never enjoyed le foot more than viewing it in glorious HD.
- posted by Mason @ 5:21 PM (2) comments

Holla atcha birfday boi!



Today is our friend Issac (aka TrueSeed)'s birthday. He's 25 but doesn't look a day over 30. Megan made him some awesome chocolate chip cookies , and I took him out to eat Thai food. Love that Puerto Rican magic man!
- posted by Mason @ 5:21 PM (0) comments

Jurassic Fart



In a further attempt to torture and flagellate myself, I watched the two Jurassic Park sequels this week. It goes without saying that in 1993 (remember, I was 12) Jurassic Park blew my fucking mind. At my mother's behest, I read the novel and loved it. Then I saw the movie, and loved it. I'm a huge fan of Crichton's, in that I never tire of him coming up with new and inventive ways to point out how technology combined with human greed, pride, ambition or stupidity spells disaster for those involved. We should really all just stop playing god. It's too bad he's a right wing asshole and climate-change-denier, but Orson Scott Card is a conservative Mormon, and I still like Ender's Game.

So I watched these two movies and I fucking hated every second of both of them. The Lost World: Jurassic Park II should have been called "King Kong Dinosaur Island: Jeff Goldblum", and it should have been 45 minutes shorter. The third film was simply embarrassing and I spent the full 90 minutes waiting for Téa Leoni to get eaten by a dinosaur. Save your time, she lives.

I would like my three and half hours back, please Steven Spielberg.
- posted by Mason @ 5:21 PM (0) comments

Banana Tropic


don't let your nanners get fucked up

I've been thinking quite a lot about bananas today. Most likely because I just finished peeling 200 lbs of them. Did I stutter? I said 200 lbs. (I freeze them and use them for smoothies at work, you see.) I've been thinking about how much American banana homogeny saddens me. Have you ever had a truly great banana? A banana that, after you took a bite of it, made you go, "OH FUCK! That's the best banana I've ever had!" I haven't. I've had bananas that I didn't like because they were over or under ripe, but I've never had a really delicious banana. I've had apples and blueberries and strawberries that made me fall to my knees in ecstasy. I've eaten peaches so fantastic that, if I didn't know better, would make me believe in god. But bananas? Not so much. I like them, but they're just bananas.

Here in the US we eat Cavendish bananas almost exclusively. You can thank Panama Disease and the United Fruit Company (now the evil Chiquta Corporation) for the shocking lack of variety in your supermarket's tropical fruit. There are hundreds of other varieties of banana deliciousness grown worldwide, but no one imports them. Cavendish bananas, like Red Delicious Apples (my apple arch enemy) are grown for durability and ease of transport only, not taste. I think that's sad really. I encourage you to write your congressman and demand better fruit importation.

I would really like to read Banana Cultures, by John Soluri, apparently the best book about bananas ever.
- posted by Mason @ 11:11 AM (0) comments

Riker Thinks He's People



We took the dogs out to White Rock Lake today for a super long walk. The above video is what happens when two people with sick senses of humor have dogs instead of children. Just imagine how much worse it would be if we had kids.
- posted by Mason @ 5:21 PM (0) comments

Anderson Cooper Died for Your Sins



Oh shit, have you seen this video? Anderson Cooper rips into those Lohan skanks like a fucking champ. I'm a long time Anderson fan (from all the way back when he hosted the first season of The Mole in 2000). He's my favorite journalist after Dan Rather. It makes me endlessly happy that one of America's most respected and best educated newsmen feels exactly the same way I do about the filthy trash that is the Lohan family.
- posted by Mason @ 6:40 PM (0) comments

I made dinner.



I made a taco salad for dinner. Me! I cooked!

Sautéed onions, green and red peppers, jalapeños and serranos.

Fresh cabbage, red onions, spinach and tomatoes.

Dressing: 1/2 cup salsa, tablespoon Nayo, one lemon.

Top with yellow corn tortilla chips.
- posted by Mason @ 8:36 PM (0) comments

Ultimate Dr. Sir Weight Loss Goal


this isn't even me at my fatest... this picture is from 1999, by 2001 i was up to 285.

Haha, fuck you 20 year old Mason! It only took 7 years, but I now weigh 150 lbs. That's 135 lbs less than my heaviest, sophmore year of college. I feel pretty good about it. Even when we moved here I weighed a ton more than I do now. Jesus, look at me in this old post from Spring 2006. I'm probably 225 there.

What's my secret? Veganism, bitches. Also not working a desk job, eating health food, and... anybody? Bicycling.

So you're fat? Stop eating animals, and get a bike.
- posted by Mason @ 8:36 PM (0) comments

Jump Britain



Hey, Parkour is awesome. These mother fuckers are the hardest of the hardcore. Sébastien Foucan is some sort of superhuman.
- posted by Mason @ 8:36 PM (0) comments

Best Customer Service Story Ever



Rarely do I repost news stories, but this one is far too good to pass up.

From today's Florida-Times Union:

Man dials 911 for sandwich emergency

By Paul Pinkham, The Times-Union

A hankering for special sauce at his neighborhood Subway led a Jacksonville man to dial 911 - twice - after the sauce was left off his spicy Italian sandwich.

Reginald Peterson, 42, told officers he called the emergency number so he could have his subs made correctly, according to a police report. A few minutes later, he dialed 911 again to complain the police weren't arriving fast enough.

Peterson walked into the Arlington sandwich shop about 7:45 p.m. Thursday and ordered two subs - a spicy Italian with everything and a chicken breast. When he discovered the spicy Italian didn't have sauce, he demanded that it be corrected, according to a police report.

Employees told police the burly construction worker became belligerent while a sandwichmaker was working on his order, then went outside to call 911 "so that the police could have his sandwich made to his specifications," the report said.

"We put everything that he asked for on it, and he comes back hollering at everyone," said one employee, who wouldn't give her name because of company policy. "He was mad because we didn't put any sauces on it."

The store manager was so alarmed that he locked the store while Peterson was outside and called police himself, using a non-emergency number.

When officers showed up, they said, they attempted to calm Peterson and explain the proper use of 911. Those efforts failed, and he was arrested on a charge of making false 911 calls. He has prior convictions for burglary, battery and disorderly intoxication.

He couldn't be located Saturday for comment .

As for the sandwiches, Peterson instructed officers to throw them in the garbage.

I would like to encourage everyone to throw their Subway sandwiches in the garbage. I would eat deep fried packing peanuts before I put Subway in my mouth.
- posted by Mason @ 5:35 PM (0) comments

Dallas, TX: City of Brotherly Love



I decided to take Live Oak home from work today. You should know that it's a pretty major street with a fair amount of traffic. I usually take Swiss Ave, the residential street next to Live Oak, but there was almost no traffic at 5pm on a Saturday, so I figured, "What the fuck, why not?" I was halfway home with no problems; the few cars that were out had been politely passing on my right (Live Oak is a two-way four lane street with a center turn lane, so there's more than enough room).

I got through the second light before my turn when I felt a car slow down behind me. There weren't any other cars anywhere near me, the street was clear going both ways for a full block. I waved the car around with my left arm in the International Gesture for "Go Around Me", but the driver just layed on his horn, then started a series of short rapid horn bursts. He sped around me and I saw that it was blue mid-80's Crown Victoria with the side smashed in. The driver, a little white trash dude in a sleeveless t-shirt floored it around me and cut back into the lane ahead of me. As he was cutting me off, the following conversation took place.

White Trash Dude: (yelling) FREAK!
Me: (yelling back) FUCK YOU COCKSUCKER!

It didn't piss me off, I found it amusing, if only slightly irritating. But seriously, what an asshole. So it's official, I'm a freak.
- posted by Mason @ 6:38 PM (0) comments

Blueberries are almost gone... so sad.



Well, fuck. Our friends at Comeback Creek inform us that this week is the last of the Texas blueberries. We're so bummed. We'd been eating shitloads, making ourselves sick on them. At work I got so many culls from produce that I froze three gallons for smoothies. I don't know what we're supposed to do now. I'm so used to having them (and Meg is 1000x more addicted than I am), that I'm not sure what I'll replace them with. We'll have a few more weeks of good peaches (I'm eating one right now), but then they'll be gone too. Sure, we could buy extra and freeze them, but it's just not the same. Texas fruit is the shit.

I forgot to mention this conversation from last week:

Lady: (looking at smoothie menu) Hmmm....
Me: Its not on the menu, but I have some great ripe Texas peaches and I can make you an amazing fresh fruit smoothie out of them if you'd like.
Lady: (making a bad face) No, don't you have anything like a mango frozen yogurt?
Me: (dying a little inside) I could get some frozen mangoes and blend them up with some yogurt.
Lady: But would that be sweet?
Me: (resigned to make a drink that offends me) I could add some Agave to it.
Lady: You don't have any honey?
Me: Sure.

Instead of ordering people should just let me make them whatever I want. They'd be happier in the long run.
- posted by Mason @ 7:47 PM (1) comments