Bicycle Bad-Ass



Riding home from work today:

A car slows to a stop in front of me. Traveling perpendicularly is a man in his 60s with a grey ponytail riding a beat up mountain bike and talking on a cell phone. The car floats the stop sign in front of the bike, but not so close as to endanger the rider. The rider gets off the phone, makes a U-Turn and chases the car down yelling, "Hey, hey, hey, pull over! Hey, pull over! Hey, pull the fuck over!" The car stops, the rider pulls up alongside it, and he starts banging on the window. The driver rolls the window down and the rider starts yelling in the driver's face, "Hey man, you need to fuckin' stop at stop signs, you almost hit me..." The car speeds away, apparently unable to face the horrible truth about himself.

I couldn't hear all of what the rider said, but I'm pretty impressed with the guy chasing down a car and screaming at an asshole driver.
- posted by Mason @ 10:41 PM (1) comments

Fitz's Root Beer



I really liked Fitz's Root Beer. Creamy, nice body, not too sweet (though loaded with cane sugar), all natural flavoring, a classic All-American Root Beer. They themselves say:

A small hamburger joint may seem like an unusual place for the birth of a root beer legend. But Fitz’s Drive-In is exactly where it started in 1947. Noted for incredible smoothness and thick, creamy texture, Fitz’s Root Beer was served in mugs and quickly became the root beer of choice among St. Louisans.

It still is. Our recipe is a closely-guarded secret and contains many of the ingredients used in the original. Unlike most soft drinks, Fitz’s continues to use pure cane sugar. The old-fashioned goodness of Fitz’s must be tasted to be believed. Curb service and thirty-cent hamburgers may be a thing of the past, but the distinctive, satisfying taste of Fitz’s Root Beer lives on.

This is in no way a "premium" or "specialty" root beer. This is the best of all possible old-fashioned drinking root beers, and I love it. Sadly, we won't carry it as it uses an artificial preservative, sodium benzoate. I'll have to buy it at (blech) HEB.
- posted by Mason @ 10:26 PM (2) comments

Ya'll Got Any Ell Pee Rekerds?



Everything bought for $1 at garage sales yesterday. Tull Madness!
- posted by Mason @ 11:27 PM (0) comments

Matt Taibbi is a Genius



If you don't know Matt Taibbi, you're missing out. He is, hands down, our favorite political commentator and humorist working today. Today's article from smirkingchimp.com about that vile, amoral murderess Sarah Palin confirms this ten-fold.

Megan says: "I've never read an article that more accurately described the way that I felt about anything in my entire life." Here's an excerpt:

Here's the thing about Americans. You can send their kids off by the thousands to get their balls blown off in foreign lands for no reason at all, saddle them with billions in debt year after congressional year while they spend their winters cheerfully watching game shows and football, pull the rug out from under their mortgages, and leave them living off their credit cards and their Wal-Mart salaries while you move their jobs to China and Bangalore.

And none of it matters, so long as you remember a few months before Election Day to offer them a two-bit caricature culled from some cutting-room-floor episode of Roseanne as part of your presidential ticket. And if she's a good enough likeness of a loudmouthed middle-American archetype, as Sarah Palin is, John Q. Public will drop his giant-size bag of Doritos in gratitude, wipe the Sizzlin' Picante dust from his lips and rush to the booth to vote for her. Not because it makes sense, or because it has a chance of improving his life or anyone else's, but simply because it appeals to the low-humming narcissism that substitutes for his personality, because the image on TV reminds him of the mean, brainless slob he sees in the mirror every morning.

Oh, fuck! Taibbi is a cooler, smarter version of me, and unlike republicans, I like people that know more than I do.
- posted by Mason @ 10:20 PM (0) comments

Well, I bought things...


Three 10ft headphone extension cables - $1


Digital Max DVD recorder - $5 (now I can convert VHS tapes hassle free!)


70's Radio Shack Poweramp for monitoring - $1.50
- posted by Mason @ 11:20 PM (3) comments

Shitty Cola, you were shitty.


yes, it's upside down, because only in some alternate universe where physical laws hold no meaning could this swill be referred to as cola with a straight face.

I drank this horrible garbage masquerading as cola. I hated it. Unequivocally. Overly sweet, undercarbonated, with an unpleasantly earthy and heavily floral finish. Awful. I hate this soda. I hated it so much that I won't even mention its name or link to their pretentious website so as not to contribute to their web-traffic. I took a drink, paused, took a second drink to make sure, then poured the remainder of the bottle down the drain. Please, save yourself the trouble and don't purchase it. I would chug a 2 liter of Dr. Shasta before I would wet my lips with another drop from this bottle of sugarpiss.
- posted by Mason @ 10:34 PM (0) comments

Best Comic of the Year



Johnny Ryan is a fucking genius.
- posted by Mason @ 12:34 AM (0) comments

Figuring Out this Money Thing?



This is the best explanation of finance I've ever seen. It's called The Subprime Primer, and its both hilarious and informative. Sort of like Johnny R meets Milton Freidman.
- posted by Mason @ 12:16 AM (0) comments

Corn Syrup is good for you, by the way...





I cannot begin to tell you how horrified I am at the snarkey glibness of this puerile trash. Even the FDA, those sleazy corporate whores, admit that HFCS isn't natural. My anti-corn syrup stance is mostly based on my hatred of the industrial farming complex in this country and their systematic campaign to kill the poor with diabetes. For further information, please watch the film King Korn.

As a side note, these commercials were uploaded to youtube by the guy from the hilarious website truechristian.com. It took me a second to figure out that it was a joke, which is always the best joke.
- posted by Mason @ 11:47 PM (1) comments

Cott Cola



I'm a sucker for an all natural cane sugar cola. Cott Cola (bought today at Jimmy's, is an HFCS-free soda manufactured by the Cott Company (they normally make bad grocery store sodas) from Canada. I liked this soda. The cola flavor was fairly generic (not surprisingly), but it had a pleasant bite and was well carbonated. It wasn't overly sweet which I also liked, a severe failing of our house brand cola at work, (which tastes like a syrupy Pepsi). My only real issue was the bottle, which is sadly plastic instead of glass, though the 99 cent price point on the 20oz is attractive.

Cott Cola isn't as good as Mexican Coke (still the king, baby), but if you find it somewhere, try it. Feel free to weigh in on your favorite Cane Colas (if you say Boylan's, I'm going to punch you, because it tastes like crap) below, I'm always open to suggestion. Now that the root beer issue has been decided, cola must be conquered.
- posted by Mason @ 9:55 PM (1) comments

Shannen Doherty is a bitch.



Megan hipped me to this. I love it so, so, so much. I can't even tell you. I'm a total queen for stuff like this.

I love that Roseanne is a really awesome person of whom I think very, very highly and she looks great now. Doherty, on the other hand is a self involved bitch and looks terrible. Roseanne is 56, Shannen is 37 and they both look 45.
- posted by Mason @ 9:57 PM (0) comments

"I'm getting too old for this shit....."



Oh the humanity of the vomit fest that is this film. Everyone involved in this project should be deeply and bitterly ashamed of themselves. This should actually be called: "In it for the Money: The Movie". Megan feels (and I must concur), given the context of the television series, that this is the worst film of all time. "I will never be able to watch the series again without feeling sick at my stomach now," says my lady friend. I agree: my previously moderate opinion of the tv show is now forever tainted by this stinking piece of filth called a movie. I can't recommend this painful ganglion cyst of entertainment to any less of a degree. I really, really, really hated it. Its just embarrassing, for everyone involved.

There's a joke about Kristin Davis pooping her pants. I mean, come on... really? That's so sad.
- posted by Mason @ 7:39 AM (0) comments

Coffee Wars: Ecks vs. Sever



So my brother now works at a national coffee chain, the popular one to be exact. I, of course, work at a large natural grocery chain as a barista and coffee bar manager. This would seem to put DanDan Noodle and me at odds, or even cross-purposes. However, the reality of situation places us (as per usual) on two sides of the same coin, doing the same sort of thing in different places, but more importantly, for different reasons and with different results. I think it says something about both of us that we each often end up doing something that the other either has done or is doing. I suppose it simply makes us good brothers that take an active interest in one another, and not a creepy pair of weirdos that constantly attempt to one-up each other in every aspect of their lives. Ok, maybe we are sick and weird, and maybe we are both obssesed by other's perception of the collective us, but is that so wrong, really? If neither of us had ever found girlfriends, we would end up a pair of dangerous elderly eccentrics, crushed to death by our collected piles of newspapers, well probably records, but crushed to death none the less.
- posted by Mason @ 7:39 AM (0) comments

That Shitty Hulk Movie



I know that I'm constantly on about the litany of trash cinema to which Megan and I subject ourselves, but... this movie was fucking bad with a vengeance. I'm sure Ed Norton (and I think its important to note that I love the guy and think he's amazing) would have been great in this film if he'd actually had any lines. Liv Tyler hoovers any and all life out every second of screen time she inhabits, and while I am a long time and die hard William Hurt fan, I refuse to accept him as an evil Army General. He's kind, soft spoken William Hurt, not a violent bloodthirsty military man. I just can't accept it.

Mostly however, I think it's absurd that Ed Norton is my height and weight (but in better shape) and the Hulk is 15 feet tall. I can believe that 5'9" Bill Bixby could become 6'5" Lou Ferrigno, that's not a stretch for me. I know that its based on a comic, but good comic book movies (like Iron Man, and especially Dark Knight) bridge the gap between fantasy and reality in a way that satisfies both die hard comic nerds and reasonable, rational film-goers like me.

I thought this movie was so bad that I didn't even finish it. I watched the first 45 minutes, and then didn't bother watching the rest. Instead we watched two episodes of Degrassi Jr. High. It was infinitely more entertaining and engaging.
- posted by Mason @ 7:39 AM (0) comments

Choice, and how we make it.



I'm interested in someone doing a study (maybe they already have) about people's perceptions of what and how much food they ask for in a serving line based on the order of items. Does food's sequence of presentation in a serving line effect our desire to eat it, and how much of it to eat? I'm positive that that answer is yes (which I know makes me a bad scientist, but that answer is based on empirical, anecdotal evidence from me serving food). I'm also interested in how race, class, sex and education impact both the food choice itself and the effect of sequence change on the choice.
- posted by Mason @ 7:39 PM (0) comments

Books? Oh no, you didn't buy more books...


the plastic tub and bag are filled with books

The Lakewood Friends of the Library Booksale was Saturday. I don't really even need to write the rest of this post, because you already know what happened. We showed up 30 minutes early, we waited in line, and after the doors opened we stampeded and shoved the elderly aside to snatch up used books.

I'm super pissed at myself re: dvd movies on digital versatile discs. "All DVDs $2", read the sign. So in a multi disc television season boxed set, one would not be out of line to assume that EACH DISC would be two dollars. Ergo, a three disc set should cost $6, right? On this assumption I passed up every season of Third Rock from the Sun (well, I don't want it, but someone might), several seasons of The Sopranos (yes, I already have them, but my friends might not) and sealed copies of both seasons of Rescue Me (I could have given it to my parents for xmas). The only thing I bought was a sealed copy of Twin Peaks Season 2 (which, yes I already netflixxed, but it was too good a deal to miss). Upon check out, it was revealed that the boxed sets were $2 each. For the whole thing. It was like a dagger in my chest. It was so upsetting that it actually tainted my buying the Twin Peaks for $2, because I missed out on all the others.

In the macro, it doesn't matter because I didn't need or want them, it just really hurts me to miss out on such a good deal. Does that make me an old woman? I think it does.
- posted by Mason @ 11:38 AM (0) comments

More Volunteerism



I'll tell you friends, its a crazy mix of people down there. In the last couple of days I've talked to some of the nicest people, and some of the craziest people of all time. Those people behind me are the Americorps kids that came to help out. They're really nice, but a little strange. They all asked us probing questions related to the basic facts of our personal lives. Megan thinks they all took a communications class that told them that people like to about themselves. It fits. Americorps looks like an interesting program, and I wish I'd done it right out of highschool instead of going straight to college. But I wish I done anything right out of highschool instead of going straight to college. What a huge mistake.
- posted by Mason @ 10:29 PM (0) comments

If I had a time machine... (part one million)



I would transport back to 1985 and kidnap John Cougar Mellencamp, then bring him back to the present so he could meet his current self, and then punch him in the face. I wish so much that he could feel the disgust that his younger self would have for his current pitiful state. I have no respect for you, John Mellencamp... and neither does Johnny Cougar.
- posted by Mason @ 9:50 PM (0) comments

Here comes the story of Hurricane...



We went and helped serve food at the Dallas Convention Center tonight. The Red Cross has it set up as a disaster relief shelter for Hurricane Ike refugees. It's a really amazing change of pace to serve people who are genuinely grateful for the coffee you're pouring. If you're interested in helping out, click here.

I can't imagine how awful it would be to have nowhere to go when fleeing for your life from a deadly storm. We could always go stay with any number of family members or friends, but what if everyone you knew had no where to go? Meg and I have plenty of money, but with no one to stay with, we'd be living of credit cards pretty quickly if we had to stay in motels. And if the place I'd been working was underwater along with the rest of my city? The majority of us are a single missed paycheck away from being completely fucked. Think about it.
- posted by Mason @ 9:51 PM (0) comments

One Nation Under God (1993)



One Nation Under God, yet another fantastic documentary about how horrible christianity can be. I love most of the documentaries First Run Features puts out. Between them, Docurama and (occasionally) Miramax, you're pretty much covered on great new docs.

One Nation Under God

Imagine: beauty makeovers for butch lesbians; tackle football for gay men: electroshock orgasmic reorientation... these and other funny, bizarre, and often terrifying methods have been used for decades to "cure" gays and lesbians of their homosexuality. One Nation Under God takes us into the strange world of "ex-gay" ministries and "conversion" therapies, revealing shocking techniques used to "straighten" out all those "twisted" souls. At the center of the film are two former leaders of one of the biggest ex-gay ministries . . . who just happen to fall in love.

- posted by Mason @ 9:50 PM (0) comments

Sugar Substitutes



I've been reading up (well, I read all the wikipedia articles, and I reserved a book a the public library) on sugar and sugar substitutes. I've come to the following conclusions:

1. cane sugar is sort of bad for you, and very bad for the everglades.
2. beet sugar is sort of bad for you, but not too bad for the planet. it is, however, expensive.
3. natural sugar alcohols, like erithritol and xylitol aren't bad for you or the planet, but they're very, very expensive and they taste sort of funny.
4. stevia is good for you, not particularly bad for the planet, and only moderately expensive. too bad it tastes like crap.
5. chemical sugar substitues are fucking poison and should be avoided at all costs. the companies that manufacture them are terrible for the planet. also, in study after study diet soda makes you gain weight.
6. agave is only a little bad for you, fucking delicious, sustainable harvested and not all that expensive.

Hence, Agave Nectar is the winner. I knew that already, but further reading confirmed it.

post script - you might want to think about buying a safe shaped like a can of jock itch spray.
- posted by Mason @ 9:50 PM (0) comments

Snagfilms.com





My dad hipped me to this:

It's a web site that offers hundreds of documentaries for free viewing. You can also "snag" the movies, embedding them in your blog, social-media page or Web site. This is not YouTube material. These are full-length films from PBS, National Geographic, independent filmmakers and others. (For those of you interested in such things, each movie contains 90 seconds per hour of advertising. The filmmakers get a cut.)

It looks pretty cool, and I'm going to watch a whole bunch of them.
- posted by Mason @ 9:49 PM (0) comments

Better than the Real Thing



Hollywood spends millions of dollars every year trying to get even more millions out of our pockets. They do this by constantly bombarding you with advertisements for the garbage they produce. What if someone found a way to capitalize on all that promotion, without being a part of the studio system? Enter the brilliant mind of David Michael Latt and his movie production company "The Asylum". They make what have been referred to as "Mockbusters". They release low-budget (and I mean truly, classically and beautifully low-budget) rip-offs of major studio action, sci-fi and horror films straight to DVD just days before the real movies hit theaters. I think its quite clear that I love this concept.

I heard about Snakes on a Train when it came out, but I didn't pay any attention to their other films. Today I watched about 45 minutes of Death Racers, their rip-off of the new movie Death Race (which is, of course, a totally unnecessary remake of 1975's cult trash hit, Death Race 2000). I have to say, it really wasn't that bad. The production quality was low, the budget non-existent, the premise weak, the plot thready and the acting poor. However, it stars the Insane Clown Posse.

Oh yes, you heard me correctly, Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope are the stars of this movie. And really, if we're being truthful, they're not terrible actors. They play themselves (yes, they are in full clown makeup), but their lines are well delivered and believable, they're engaging and funny (insofar and murderous clown rappers can be), and certainly the highlight of the film. That and the z-grade ultra violence, including people getting fists punched through their chests Troma-style.

I know I've been talking about movies a lot lately, but that's because I've been thinking a lot about cinema and what it means both to me and to us as a society. I'm not going to say that I "liked" this movie, but I didn't hate it. Its not even on my Worst 100 list. I'd watch it again if it was on HBO and I was at someone's house with nothing else to do, which is more than I can say for a number of several hundred million dollar blockbusters I've watched in the last couple of years. Next time you're at Blockbuster, instead of renting I am Legend (which was fucking terrible and a complete waste of my time), rent I am Omega. It might not be "better", but it will certainly be more entertaining.

Post Script- I love that these guys have figured out that bilking christian moms out of their money is a total cash-cow. Sunday School Musical? Come on, you think that's fucking fabulous.
- posted by Mason @ 11:04 PM (3) comments

I wish...



I wish I had a friend that made terrible, poorly written, poorly-executed mono-maniacal films about themselves, but who was incredibly emotional fragile and as such everyone indulged him completely in his art. I want this fictional friend to write films about what an amazing and brilliant filmmaker he is, and then produce, direct and star in them too. Everyone else we know would talk constantly behind his back about how incredibly awful the movies were, but would praise him to his face to prevent him from having a total physiological breakdown. It would be my favorite thing ever.
- posted by Mason @ 10:45 AM (4) comments

Beautiful Asian Veggies



We went to the 20th Anniversary of the East Dallas Community Garden. It was awesome. The veg was amazing. We bought a giant head of Thai Basil, a huge wad of Water Spinach and some delicious garlic chives. $1 each. What? Yeah. We felt really guilty about paying so little for so much wonderful food. If you can get by there, they have the best asian veg ever.


Oh, also I had Meg cut my hair, seen in the about picture.
- posted by Mason @ 10:45 AM (0) comments

Don't Mess with the Racism



I forced Megan to watch You Don't Mess with the Zohan tonight. Did you see it? No, you didn't. You know how I know you didn't see it? Because nobody with more than two brain cells to rub together avoided this disaster of a film.

It was not only the worst Adam Sandler movie I have ever seen, but a strong contender for the worst comedy film of all time. 50 First Dates was better than this, and that's saying quite a lot, as said Drew Barrymore vehicle is painful beyond words. It was worse than Click. This film is not funny in any way. In fact, its only achievement is as a shining monument to Sandler's totally racist, pro-Israeli, anti-Palestinian agenda. Sandler spends the first 110 minutes making (well, attempting to make) jokes about how all American Muslims are Hezzbolah terrorists, and then the last three minutes in a hand wringing mea culpa where everyone stands around and talks about how other people think they're terrorists, and how unfair that is.

Sadly, the (usually) genius that is Robert Smigel helped write this complete piece of trash, and even plays a minor role in it. The "comedy" is so sophomoric and silly that only a third grader could possibly find it funny. While it's only rated PG-13, the sexual content (a constant barrage of semi-nudity, pubic hair jokes, and Sandler's marathon of copulations with women over 60) makes it totally unsuitable for anyone younger than 7th grade. I'm no prude, as you well know, but the frenzy of grandma fucking in this film embarrassed even me.

I hate every second of this movie. I would really like my (nearly) two hours back. I advise not only avoiding, but actively letting everyone in you life know that they shouldn't watch it either.
- posted by Mason @ 10:45 AM (0) comments

A more rational argument


did i mention that she murders for pleasure?

So I feel like I need to justify my Sarah Palin hatred. Here's a list of reasons that you should pray for her death:

-She's viciously pro-life, even in the case of rape or incest.
-She supports the hunting of grizzly bears and wolves from helicopters.
-She opposes the listing of polar bears as endangered species.
-She hates sex-education (cough, cough, pregnant teenage daughter).
-She loves the death penalty.
-She a member of the ultra-right-wing Assembly of God church.
-She tried to pass a bill to deny same-sex couples insurance benefits.
-She's a staunch creationist and supports it's teaching in public schools.
-She supports drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.
-She believes the war in Iraq to be the will of god.
-She's totally unqualified, but you already knew that.
-She's a former member of the Alaska Independence Party, a radical right-wing secessionist group who's members are fully willing to renounce their US citizenship and declare allegiance to Alaska only. Secession is treason, see? She and her husband are both traitors to our country.

Everything that she believes is the exact opposite of what I believe. I will do whatever it takes to make sure she and Grandpa Munster don't get elected.
- posted by Mason @ 11:56 PM (0) comments

Get the behind me, Satan.



Oh. Dear. God.

I chose not to make a rash post regarding this horrid woman, so now that its had time to cool, I just wanted to weigh in and let you know that this vile fucking cunt must choke to death on a chunk of moose meat. I'm watching her "speak" (if you can call it that) to the handful of people in a minnesota convention hall and I honestly feel sick at my stomach. I hate her more than Nancy Grace. I didn't think it was possible for me to despise and revile a person more, but I do. I want... no, I need Palin's hair set aflame and her kneecaps shattered with a cricket bat. She is the devil and I will do anything to make sure that she and her disgusting family stay as far away from the presidency as possible.
- posted by Mason @ 10:02 PM (3) comments

A new short story idea.



This started with the question, "Do you consider having perfect recall of every episode of The Twilight Zone a superpower?"

Here's my idea: Every day before going to work a guy watches two episodes of The Twilight Zone. He finds that not only can he remember everything about the show, but he also begins to find meaning in it's bitter irony. He starts relating this meaning to the people in his life, using the episodes of the series as parables and building a set of ethics and morals from their teachings. Word spreads and he unwittingly founds, and becomes the prophet of, the most influential religious movement in centuries. In his old age he reflects on his wealth, his power and his worldwide influence. He spent his entire life teaching people the lessons of irony, but is now embittered against the show he loved from so many years of talking about it.

I'm to lazy to write it, so you do it for me, ok?
- posted by Mason @ 11:32 PM (1) comments

Have you seen this?



This is the video from the shockingly comedic new song from that asshole from the band Big and Rich. It's very, very similar to the Bob Odenkirk character CS Lewis, Jr. from Mr. Show.


- posted by Mason @ 10:19 PM (0) comments